


Without Fear 7

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Series: Without Fear series by Scala [7]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, First Times, M/M, Romance, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 09:10:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Blair discover that finding each other is a double-edged sword - and the summer gets a whole lot hotter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Fear 7

## Without Fear 7

by Scala

Hey, if I was making any money from this, you think I'd be squeezing it in around my day job?

My love as always to Kaye. And of course, a huge thank you to everyone who emailed me their relief that I finally posted Part 6. 

Part 7 naturally follows Part 6. If you start reading the story at this point, then, well, good luck to you. Just don't tell me about it, okay?  
I am issuing serious warnings for this Part. Definitely a Kleenex moment or three - and man, somebody turn on the air conditioner, please.  
And for those who are waiting with bated breath - Part 8 will definitely be posted tomorrow.

This story is a sequel to: Without Fear 6 

* * *

Without Fear Part 7 

' _Good morning_ , Blair!' 

'Good morning, Daisy.' 

'Lovely day out there.' 

'Yes it is. Have you been busy this morning?' 

'It's starting to fire up now. Just took five orders for full breakfasts.' 

'You want me to cook so you can flirt with the customers?' 

'Sure, why not.' 

'Just let me get a coffee.' 

'No, boss, let _me_ get it for you.' 

'Why, thank you, Daisy.' 

'My pleasure. And by the way, that's a really _nice_ smile you have there, boss. Oh, good _morning_ , Jim. How nice to see you.' 

'Um... yeah, it's er, nice to see you too, Daisy.' 

'Can I get you a coffee, too?' 

'Sure, thanks.' 

'There you go. I'll go see to the customers. And, Jim? That's a really nice smile you have, too.' 

'Chief?' 

'Yes, Jim?' 

'Is she er... on something I should know about?' 

'Don't worry about it, Jim. That's just what smugness looks like on other people.' 

'What's that supposed to mean?' 

'Mmmn, maybe you should go look in a mirror.' 

'I still don't get it, Chief. I look like I always d-mmnpfh. Mmmn, Blair ...' 

'Look again.' 

'.... Oh. I, um. Yeah, okay.' 

'Uh huh.' 

'Yeah, well, I'm gonna go... um, surf.' 

'Have fun.' 

* * *

When Blair finally put the phone down, he had no choice but to give into the almost uncontrollable yawn that made his eyes water and his whole body shudder. By the time he could see again, he looked up to find Daisy grinning at him from the kitchen. Shaking his head, he deliberately ignored her and turned to Jim sitting at the bar beside him reading the newspaper. 

'So?' Jim murmured, turning a page as he sipped his coffee. 'How're we doing?' 

'Good,' Blair nodded. 'Martha will be here in an hour and then I'm all yours.' 

'Great. I have a suggestion.' 

'What's that?' 

Jim glanced up with a smile that was like sunshine in a dark room. His face was tanning nicely, his eyes were bright and clear and he had this kind of glow that Blair hoped wasn't obvious to everybody. Well okay, maybe it was obvious to Daisy, but hopefully nobody else. 

'I'm thinking we should go to bed.' Jim replied levelly. 

Blair laughed a little, 'Bed? You wanna do it again? Man, I'm having enough trouble sitting down as it is.' 

A tiny flush grew on Jim's cheeks. 'Actually, I was thinking we should go upstairs and get some sleep.' 

'Oh.' 

'It's just that, well, the Bar's quiet at the moment and last night-' 

'And this morning.' 

'And this morning, we were otherwise occupied. So let's get some sleep now, then grab a late lunch and go out to that wetlands park you were telling me about, San Elijo wasn't it? We could go somewhere for dinner and then by the time we get back, this place will have quietened down.' 

'Sure, I could sleep.' Blair nodded, took Jim's coffee cup and drained it for him in one loud swallow. Then he glanced back at Daisy working in the kitchen. 'You do realize the apartment is pretty well sound-proofed.' 

'You do realize that won't make a difference to me?' 

Blair paused, unable to look Jim in the eye, unable to believe he'd actually forgotten. 

'Chief?' 

'What?' 

'It's not a crime to forget. Even I do sometimes.' 

Blair didn't move as Jim stepped off his stool and took Blair's hand. 'Come on. We can talk about this upstairs.' 

'But Martha won't be here for another hour.' 

'And there isn't a customer for miles. Have you seen the waves today, Chief? Non-existent. Daisy will manage. Let's go.' 

Blair let Jim lead him upstairs, in a wonderful reversal of the night before. The moment they got inside the apartment, Blair locked the door, just in case Daisy thought it was okay to come use the shower or something. He simply stood there as Jim pulled his shirt over his head, then undid and removed his jeans. He wasn't even allowed to keep his underwear on. Then Jim led him to the bed and gently pressed him down. 

Jim stepped back long enough to remove his own clothes and place them over the back of a chair before climbing into bed beside Blair and wrapping his arms around him. 

Blair took in a deep breath, his own normal sense of smell able to scent their combined musk, the smell of their night's love-making. But it didn't seem to worry Jim, so he allowed himself to wallow in it a little. 

He _had_ forgotten. Over the last year, he'd spent so much time worried about how Jim was, and how he himself was doing, he'd not really thought too much about how the senses were coping, whether Jim had experienced difficulties that Blair would normally have helped with, and if he had, how had he dealt with them, and who had helped. 

And now, having him here, Blair had barely given it a thought - and he felt ashamed - mostly because he knew he'd _wanted_ to forget about them, because by forgetting about them, he wouldn't have to remember the rest of that sad tale. 

'Stop it,' Jim murmured against the side of his head. 'We're here to sleep so stop thinking.' 

'I can't help it.' 

'You can. Choose something else to think about.' 

'It doesn't make a difference.' 

'If you don't do it, I'll _give_ you something else to think about - and then you really won't be able to sit down for the rest of the day.' 

Blair's smile was involuntary but real. 'Okay, okay. But man, that's harsh, making me choose sleep over sex.' 

'A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Now sleep, Blair. I mean it.' 

'Okay, Jim. Sleep.' 

* * *

The air was humid, sticky and very hot as Jim took one step after another, hand balanced on the railing, gaze ignoring the wetlands landscape of San Elijo Lagoon and instead, pretty much obsessing on the uninterrupted view he had of Blair's ass four steps above him. 

He couldn't quite decide whether it was _actually_ perfect, or if his opinion was biased in any way - which was entirely possible, since he'd thoroughly fucked that ass last night (or was it this morning?). 

And that thought was a whole subject in itself. He - Jim Ellison - had last night fucked the ass of his best friend. Fucked him up the ass and loved it. 

Sure, he'd done his reading, and he'd indulged in a little porn and of course, there'd been that very vanilla fling with Julian on the couch - but nothing had really prepared him for what having sex with Blair would actually _be_ like. That it wouldn't so much be having sex but making love, that his desire for it would be so overwhelming, that he would be so incredibly aroused by it, that it would involve every single part of his heart and soul, that his senses - yeah, his senses - would simply lie back and bask in the glory of his guide, as though that was _exactly_ what they'd been waiting for since he'd slammed Blair up against the wall of his office four years ago. 

And wasn't _that_ a thought to be dealing with on his own, as he climbed to the top of the lookout. 

So he deliberately turned his attention back to Blair's ass, because, all things considered, he actually couldn't find a single thing wrong with it. 'Hey, Sandburg, anybody ever tell you you've got a really great ass?' 

'Plenty of times,' Blair replied panting to catch his breath. With a last step, he reached the top and stood to one side for Jim to join him. 'But only by guys who only wanted to get their hands on it.' 

'Well ... okay, I do too, but that doesn't mean it's not perfect.' Jim spread his hands, putting on his most reasonable face. 'I mean, I've got this sentinel sight and everything - so I'd know, right?' 

Blair's eyes twinkled and he laughed. 'Only if you've been comparing it to other men's asses. Is that what you've been doing, Jim?' 

In order to keep a straight face, Jim pressed his lips together and looked away. 'Um... maybe.' 

Blair laughed again and turned to the platform railing, placed his hands on it and looked out at the view. Fortunately, the platform had a roof, so they could at least enjoy the shade. 

Jim pulled his water bottle out and took a much-needed drink before handing it to Blair. As he put it away again, he removed the small backpack from his shoulders, laid it on the floor and moved up behind Blair, making no attempt to hide the fact that he was sniffing Blair's scent. Blair tilted his head a little, exposing more of his neck to Jim, making Jim smile. He took one more big sniff, then, his cock hardening a little in response, he wrapped his arms around Blair's waist and kissed his left ear. 

'It's really beautiful, isn't it?' Blair murmured after a moment. 

'Yeah, beautiful.' Jim nodded, glancing out across the landscape covered in natural water channels, marram grasses, low scrubby bushes and the occasional determined tree. 'And the view's not bad, either.' 

'Oh, man,' Blair's smile was glorious. 'Who'd have thought you'd be such a-' 

'Sap?' 

'Romantic.' 

'Fine, I'll shut up.' 

'Don't - I kinda like it. It's a side of you I've never seen, that's all.' 

Jim just kissed the ear again and relaxed into the touch of Blair's hands covering his own. 

As it was a weekday, there weren't too many people out enjoying the park. They'd had an hour's walk to get to the lookout and from here, the beauty of the lagoon wetlands stretched towards the sea in one direction, and quite a ways inland as well. Blair had happily given him all sorts of facts and figures about the place as they'd walked but now, his silence was perhaps even more telling than Jim's. 

He let out a sigh, pulled Blair a little closer, then said, 'You know I'm going to ask, don't you?' 

Blair took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. 'I really wish you wouldn't.' 

'I have to.' 

'I know.' 

Jim closed his eyes, reaching for something, some thread of strength or inspiration or whatever he needed to do this right. 'Please, come back to Cascade with me.' 

'No.' 

The answer didn't surprise him. 'Why not?' 

'You think I can just up and leave this place? I have a job, people who're depending on me.' 

'You say that as though if you could get out of it you would, which we both know isn't true, so don't use that as an excuse. Why won't you come home?' 

'This is my home now, Jim.' 

'Why, damnit?' Jim let him go and stepped back, turning Blair to face him. 'Please, just answer the question.' 

Blair searched his gaze then shook his head. 'I'm sorry, Jim. I just can't. I know I've changed over the last year, but Cascade holds nothing for me now.' 

'Nothing?' Jim raised his eyebrows. 'Not even me?' 

Blair closed his eyes a moment, then turned for the stairs down. Jim grabbed the backpack and followed, hurrying to keep up with Blair. By the time he reached the ground, Blair was already striding along the path back the way they'd come. 

'Chief, wait up. Come on, it's a long walk back - do you really want to run?' 

It took a moment, but eventually Blair came to a halt. When Jim reached him however, he was standing there with his eyes shut, his fists clenched as though he were about to say something and didn't dare. Carefully, Jim reached out and brushed his fingers over the side of Blair's face, and fathomless blue eyes opened before him. 

Blair's words came out soft and earnest. 'Jim, do you really think I want to go back to Cascade just so I can be your lover? So that I can be a housewife? So that my entire life could revolve around you? Don't you think that might be why I left in the first place?' When Jim opened his mouth to answer, Blair caught his hand and held it between both of his. 'You don't want that any more than I do. Hell, Jim, you don't even want a male lover in that life, do you?' 

'Chief, you've been gone a year - you have no idea what I want.' Jim pulled him close enough to press a kiss on his forehead before adding, 'I _do_ want you there. I want you as my friend and my lover. Hell, I came out to my father in the hope that you might come home one day.' 

'Jeez, Jim-' 

'But there's no way I'd ask or expect you to come back if I didn't think I could offer you a real life. I... I have a box file at home, sitting on the dining table. It's full of information, brochures, courses, all kinds of stuff - everything you need to find yourself another career, and most of them are things we could do together. I'm happy to do any one of them, Blair, whichever you choose. Or you could choose something else entirely - the point is, I wanted you to have those options, to know there were other paths you could take, and that I'd... well, that I'd be there no matter what.' 

Blair's eyes were wide, his mouth open in shock. The silence drew more words out of Jim. 

'Don't you understand, Blair? I want you back. I lost count of the times I tried to find you, or simply decided I'd take to the road until I did. I wanted to, Chief, but I knew I couldn't, that you had to do this on your own and that if I interfered, you'd only end up hating me. But you called me, Blair. You called and I was sure things had changes. So isn't it different now? Please, tell me it's different now.' 

Blair let out a pent-up breath, 'Yeah, Jim, it's different now.' With that, he let go Jim's hand and stepped in close to wrap his arms around Jim's waist, bury his face against Jim's shoulder. Jim just held him, unable to avoid wondering how much longer he would be allowed to. 

Eventually, Blair pulled away, stepping back to rub his hands over his face, push his hair back into the hair tie. He blew out a loud breath as though forming his thoughts, then looked back to Jim. 'You gotta know, man, I ... I'm so touched you would do that for me. That you'd understand so much to put all that effort into giving me those options. I don't think anybody's ever done anything like that for me before. It means a lot.' 

'But?' 

Blair frowned, then glanced away, his gaze taking in the beautiful parklands. His reply was a long time coming. 'I read my first book on anthropology when I was nine years old. I read a lot of books back then, on all sorts of subjects - most of them science, but lots of other things too, but when I was nine and I read that book, I was blown away by it, and spent the next six months reading every book in the school library I could find. I started nagging my mom to buy stuff for me, as one book led me onto another. She was really indulgent because, she said, you have to find something in life you feel passionate about or you'll never sustain your interest and never be able to make a real contribution to the world. For me, my passion was anthropology.' 

There was a long pause before Blair continued. 'You've done a good thing, Jim, going to all that trouble and I'm positive that what's in that box would make for great reading - but I'm not the kind of person who can just do a job. Not for the rest of my life. It's not just a case of me finding another career, Jim. I need to find something else I can feel that passion for. If it don't, then I'll just live the rest of my life missing what I can never have again, regretting what I did to lose it - and that's a path that'll only lead to misery. And if we're together, it'll only make you miserable, too.' 

Jim breathed as if for the first time in minutes. 'But you don't know that there's nothing in that box you could find a passion for.' 

'That's true, I don't. But the point is - I need to find it for myself. The discovery is a very necessary part of the process.' Blair closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head a little as if in response to a thought he never voiced. When his eyes opened, he looked straight into Jim's soul. 'You have no idea how much I want us to be together, Jim. Words won't ever come close. But what you want is ... impossible. I'm sorry, I can't go back.' 

A flash of pure fury washed through Jim. He clenched his fists and turned away, terrified that it would lash out and strike Blair and the fragile relationship that sat in the humid air between them. But as quickly as it rose, it died again, felled by an awful but inevitable truth he hadn't wanted to see. 

Blair was right. He knew it because he knew this man, knew himself. Knew that his own life choices had come from the same passion he'd had to pursue them. It was the passion that made the bad times bearable, made the goals so much more worthwhile. Without that passion, work became a job, drudgery, a means to earn a living - and he'd seen enough people trapped in that cycle in his life not to wish it upon anybody, much less somebody he loved. The vibrant, full-of-life man who'd dominated his life for more than four years would wither and die, as he had done once already. 

'What if I,' Jim murmured, 'if I moved down here. We could buy a house or something. I'm sure I could get a job somewhere around here. God, even if I had to live in San Diego and come up here on my days off, that'd be better than nothing.' 

'Would it?' 

Blair's simple question made him turn around. 'What do you mean?' 

'I mean the Bar is a temporary thing for me. I don't know where I'll go next, or what I'll do. I could be here a month or a year. It might take me five years to find something - or it might never happen. Would you be ready to uproot yourself, ruin your own career just to follow me around in the hope that one day I might find what I'm looking for? You're the Sentinel of the Great City, man - you can't just keep changing tribes like that. And don't say that isn't important, because we both know it is, whether you like it or not. It'd destroy both of us just as surely as my going back to Cascade.' 

'Great,' Jim snapped. 'Didn't you say last night that the reason you left in the first place was because we needed choices? Is this it? Is this the best you can do?' 

'Jim, don't be-' 

'Upset?' Jim raised his hands palm up. 'How the fuck can you stand there and tell me not to be upset? We have this ... this amazing, incredible, fantastic thing happening between us and you're telling me that when I leave here on Friday, that's it? Well, I'm sorry, Chief, I _am_ upset. Deal with it.' 

Jim turned and walked off, heading along the path with legs desperate to put distance between himself and the aching horror that was pumping through his body. 

Yeah, he was angry. And upset, and well... furious that he'd managed to kid himself into believing that by finding Blair, by talking to him, he could change the course of their lives, that somehow, Blair would be ready and willing to work with him to find a solution. He'd convinced himself that because they were sleeping together, and sharing something so incredibly precious, that it would mean enough to Blair to fight for a solution. 

And even more angry because he knew he could push it. He knew he could prod and blackmail Blair, apply enough pressure to make him eventually give in and come home and, damnit, he was so tempted to do it his head hurt. But that was absolutely the one thing he could never do - and the frustration only fed the anger, powering his body to move faster and faster until he was running along the path, body working, mind flying, heart breaking. 

It was the end he'd dreaded all along. The end he'd never allowed himself to contemplate - and yet, it was the only end they would ever have. For the first time in his life, he knew what it felt like to want to die. 

* * *

'Jim? Jim, wait! Jim ... please...' Blair's voice cracked at the end, as Jim disappeared around a corner in the walking track, running hard as though chased by a thousand demons. But he either didn't hear Blair, or chose not to. One way or the other, he was gone, leaving Blair alone. 

There was no silence however. An occasional breeze tugged at the low bushes, the abundant bird life chirped and twittered around him, seagulls squawked from the beach and other small rustlings sat neatly in the background, testimony to the invisible life around him. 

There was a park bench to his right, facing out towards the coast, delivering a very pleasant view. He sat down, elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. 

He could hardly breathe. 

He'd been so close. The words had been on his lips, breath ready in his lungs to take it all back, to deny everything he'd said, to say anything, do anything to take that look off Jim's face, to give in and go back to Cascade. 

There was even a tiny part of him now that wanted to return. 

He was being selfish and he knew it. He'd stood there and dictated the terms to Jim without giving him any say in the matter, just as he'd done a year ago. Love me or lose me, had been the main thrust of his arguments back then. Now, with the passage of time, that demand had been love me and still lose me. Jim was right - it was a shit choice. 

He'd been so very close. But he _hadn't_ said it, hadn't taken it all back - and the truth was, if Jim hadn't run off, he still wouldn't have said it. Because he couldn't. It also seemed he couldn't find a way to make Jim understand that. But how could he when he didn't really understand it himself? The only constant he could trust, the only rock solid thing inside him apart from his love for Jim was the absolute certainty that going back to Cascade now would be the single worst thing he could ever do. 

He'd known this would happen. From the moment he'd seen Jim on the beach, he'd known this moment would come. Knew that if he allowed himself to open up to Jim, for them to get close again, he'd become so entangled, so bonded to the man that parting from him would tear him apart. He'd tried to be aware of it, tried to watch himself, tried to keep some part of himself safe from the impending harm. 

He just hadn't ever taken into account that Jim might be in love with him. Might ever love him enough to give up everything for him. 

Sitting back, he opened his eyes to find the afternoon slipping quickly into evening. As it was, it would be almost dark by the time he got back to the car park, and he wasn't entirely sure Jim would be there waiting for him. 

Of course, even if he was, the chances were that Jim would simply take him back to the Bar, pack up his things and start out for Cascade tonight. 

And then that would be it. Their brief - what had Jim called it? - this amazing, incredible, fantastic thing happening between them, would be over and he would be alone again. 

He got to his feet and began walking along the track. He kept his pace brisk, his gaze straight ahead, his thoughts as still as he could - but no effort he made stopped the tears from rolling unchecked down his cheeks. 

How many more times was he going to have to trash his entire life before he finally found a way to make it work - and how could he stop hurting Jim in the process? 

* * *

Blair didn't make it back before it got dark - but fortunately, there was only one path to follow, and there was enough moonlight to stop him straying from it. The truck was the only vehicle left - but there was no sign of Jim. 

Frowning, he walked up to it, peering inside. The keys were there in the ignition, the backpack on the seat, and the doors were unlocked. He looked around, but couldn't see any sign of Jim. He even walked around the truck, just in case he was lying on the ground on the other side - but nothing. 

'Jim? Jim? Where are you?' 

'I'm right here, Chief.' The voice came from his left, and Jim emerged from a stand of scrubby trees that formed dark shadows on the concrete. Blair couldn't see his face, but the tone was gentle as Jim approached. 'How are you feeling?' 

'Pretty terrible,' Blair replied without artifice. 'You?' 

''bout the same.' 

They stood there a moment, the silence making the air solid and heavy. Then Blair said, 'Jim, I-' 

'Don't.' 

'Don't what?' 

'Don't say anything.' He moved around Blair and headed for the driver's side of the truck. Blair climbed in beside him as Jim added, 'I'm hungry. Is there anyplace around here we can get a hotdog?' 

'Sure,' Blair replied quietly. 'Head back towards town.' 

Jim said nothing as he put the truck in gear and pulled out of the Park into the road. Soon they were on the highway, car lights flashing past them, reminding them they weren't the only people left in the world. 

Blair kept his gaze out the side window, not willing to let Jim see the puffy eyes he must have, nor the desolation within them. And it didn't matter that a part of him wanted desperately to hate himself for what he was doing - he refused to give into it. How could he? If he really believed he was worthy of that hate, then he could just as easily tell Jim he'd changed his mind. And the path of self-hate was one he'd purged months ago when he'd first come here. That person was as dead as his career as an anthropologist. There was no way he was going back there again. 

Which was exactly why he couldn't change his mind. And he knew Jim didn't want him to - not for those reasons. 

But he couldn't help wishing it didn't hurt so much. 

'Turn left here.' 

Jim turned, and Blair counted streets before telling him to turn right where they emerged onto a square brightly lit and teeming with people out enjoying the summer evening. In the centre of the square was a kiosk that sold the best hotdogs in the area - but now that Blair saw it, he wished he'd chosen somewhere different, more quiet. Some place people wouldn't look at them and their mood, and shy away. 

Jim parked and they got out, crossing to the square to make for the hotdog stand. Blair threw a few glances at Jim, but could tell nothing from his expression, and the light wasn't good enough for him to even tell if Jim was grinding his jaw. 

He ordered for them both, but Jim paid before he could. When they got their dogs, Jim nudged his elbow and headed for a vacated picnic table by a fake antique lamp post where they could be relatively alone. 

They sat on opposite sides of the table and Blair pretended to concentrate on his meal. But he wasn't hungry, and even the Coke slid down his throat without quenching his thirst. He was on the point of asking Jim to just take him home - when he looked up to find Jim wasn't eating either, and was actually just staring at him, his gaze unreadable. 

Then Jim spoke, his voice firm but not hard, and full of determination. 'Listen up. Chief, this is how it's going to be. I'll go back to Cascade on Friday morning. Obviously, you'll stay here. Instead of just working eighteen hours a day, six days a week, you're going to ease up on yourself and take more time off. You're going to spend that time finding something you feel passionate about. Not because I want you to, but because I don't think you can live without it. I don't want you to even try. Then, while you're working on that, I'll be working in Cascade, saving some money so we can eventually buy a house somewhere - wherever we end up settling. Once you find out what you want to do, where you need to go, then I'll go too. If I can stay a cop, then I will. If not, I'll find something else. And in the meantime, we're together. I mean, completely together. No casual flings, no guilty secrets, nothing. You and me, that's it. Yes, I know what you're thinking - how the hell are we going to manage it being so far away from each other? I'm not saying it'll be easy, because it won't. We'll call each other a couple times a week, email every day. We'll talk lots and share as much as we can. And we'll visit. Maybe you won't come to Cascade, and that's okay, I can deal with that. But I can visit. We can meet up somewhere in the middle. Whatever.' 

Stunned, Blair could only sit there with his mouth hanging open - before he realized and abruptly shut it. 

And that's what happened when you didn't count on a man falling in love with you. A man like Jim loving you this much. 

'Well?' 

Blair blinked, took in a breath and tried to focus. 'Uh ... how can we meet up somewhere when I don't even own a car?' 

'You've got money saved? Buy one. If not, I'll buy one for you tomorrow.' 

There was no hesitation in Jim's voice, no sign of compromise in his face. Hard blue eyes stared at him, daring him to argue. 

'But, Jim, it's what, a three day drive to Cascade? You'd have to take a week off so you could visit for a day. We'd see each other twice a year!' 

'Like I said, we could meet up in the middle - or, better still, I can fly down and you pick me up in San Diego. We could stay there the weekend before I fly home. We can see each other like that once a month at least.' 

'Jim,' Blair shook his head, 'this is insane. It's impossible to have a relationship like this-' 

Jim grabbed his hand and squeezed hard, stopping his words. 'Chief? Blair? You gave me one choice. I'm giving you another. We've both waited too long for this, worked too hard to get here. I'm not ready to quit because things seem impossible. You gave up everything for me, Blair - don't think for one minute that I'm not ready to do the same for you. I lost you once already and I'm not doing it again.' Jim leaned forward, his voice dropping, coming out a hard and fierce whisper. ' _Do you understand? I'm not going to lose you again!_ ' 

Blair's throat closed up and he gasped in a breath as more tears threatened. 'I don't want to lose you either, Jim.' Then abruptly Jim was out of his seat, pulling Blair out of his and then he was in the man's arms, holding on, holding tight, never wanting to let go. 

And now it seemed, he wouldn't ever have to. 

* * *

The night remained warm as they walked along the streets, holding hands like a pair of teenagers. They didn't talk, but Jim didn't mind. Right now, they needed quiet more than anything else. 

But this was a different sort of quiet, where the gentle bump of one shoulder against another meant the same as a loving caress, where a chance meeting of eyes resulted in small secret smiles, and a breath barely caught. This was a quiet that finally suggested peace - and it was magical. 

Of course, his plan wouldn't be easy to live with, but it was a hell of a lot better than Blair's option - a living hell for both of them. But that didn't mean he wasn't worried about it, about forcing it onto Blair like that. After all, the last time he'd focused on his own needs before those of his guide, he'd almost trapped Blair into staying in Cascade just on the promise of having Jim in his bed - something he could only now admit would have been an unmitigated disaster they would never have recovered from. 

They'd both come a long way since then. For one thing, they were both a lot stronger than they had been, which was a good thing since the next few years were going to be perhaps the biggest test they would ever face. 

But Jim was certain that if they faced it together, they'd survive. 

'Hey,' Blair murmured as they finally wandered back to the square, now mostly empty as people had gone home. 'Getting tired yet?' 

Jim shrugged and glanced down at the beautiful man beside him. 'You want to go?' 

Blair took a step right into his personal space, not touching Jim, but letting the heat from his body reach out. 'I want us to go home and make love.' 

Jim found a smile spreading across his face. 'You do, huh?' 

'Yeah,' Blair whispered against his cheek. 'All night.' 

Jim's cock gave an enthusiastic twitch. 'Hey, babe, you gotta remember, I'm forty years old. I'm not sure I can manage the all night thing any more. I mean, I'll do my best, but-' 

'I read somewhere recently,' Blair continued to whisper against his cheek while one hand rose and rested on Jim's belly, causing heat to flare beneath his palm, 'that having a younger lover makes an older man more, not less virile, increasing his potency rather than exhausting him. You know I'm a scientist at heart, Jim. What say we test it out?' 

Jim pretended to give the matter serious thought - which was a blatant lie when all hopes of thought had vanished with the heat of that hand flat against his stomach. He nodded. 'Well, since I've already signed the papers donating my body to science, I guess it's only my duty to do the same while I'm alive.' 

Blair was grinning at him. 'You've got to give it your all, Jim, or the experiment won't be valid.' 

'Of course,' Jim laughed. 'Just promise me you won't be taking notes.' With that, he pulled out the keys to the truck and led Blair across the road to where it was parked. With softly voiced instructions from Blair, they got back onto the highway headed north for Encinitas and Dougall's Bar. 

A few minutes later, Blair spoke again, laughter gone from his voice. 'What you said, Jim - have you really signed the forms to donate your body to science?' 

'Yes. With a covering letter to go with it.' 

There was a long pause before Blair responded. 'Do you want to put the diss in with the letter?' 

Jim glanced at him, almost wishing he'd not said anything. 'Would you mind?' 

'No. As long as I ... you know, didn't have to be around for ... whatever.' 

Jim didn't say anything. He just reached out and took Blair's hand. He was a cop - he could offer no words of comfort, no promises that he wouldn't be the first to go. But when he did, at least he could be sure Blair's work wouldn't go completely to waste. 

'I think that's very brave of you, Jim,' Blair offered after a moment, squeezing his hand and throwing him a quiet smile. 'Considering how you used to feel about the senses.' 

'Yeah, well, a lot's changed, you know?' 

'Yeah, Jim,' Blair's voice warmed. 'A lot's changed.' 

* * *

The dark, lustrous night wound its way around them, filling the apartment with an almost golden atmosphere lit only with tiny votive candles placed on every possible surface. The Bar below had long since closed, the doors locked and lights turned off, leaving them blissfully alone. 

Blair moaned low and deep, his voice echoing around the bathroom, blending into the soft slow grunts coming from Jim behind him. Warm spray pelted down onto them as Blair pressed both hands against the shower wall, afraid to let go as Jim thrust into him again and again so slowly he thought he might expire from the sensuous sliding impact of the cock inside him. Barely able to stand now, he lifted his foot to rest on the side of the bath, opening himself further to Jim. He was rewarded when strong arms slipped around his waist and chest, holding him in place. That didn't stop him pushing back onto the invader. 

'Oh, Blair,' Jim hissed into his ear, 'you feel so good.' 

Blair had no words. He'd waited too long for this, had needed it too much over the years to even be able to think straight right now. And after all that had happened today, he didn't want to be thinking. Right now he just wanted to feel. Feel Jim's arms around him, his strong hard body pressed against him, those needy gasps of air next to his ear, and the love he could feel with every single thrust of that cock into his body, as though with each one, Jim was reminding him that he was loved. 

His own cock stood out from his body, leaking constantly, hot and untouched. He didn't dare. He knew that a single stroke of his own hand would be enough to bring him off - and he didn't want this to end just yet. This slow pounding was exquisite torture, sending vibrations through his whole body, and just listening to Jim, feeling him thrusting from behind was enough to hold him on the edge, balanced perfectly, ready to fall. 

Jim's hands moved. His left carded up through the curls on Blair's chest and tugged hard at the nipple ring he'd put in that morning, just for Jim. With a pinch, Jim tugged it again, almost tipping Blair over the edge, making him groan again. 

'You like that, don't you?' 

Blair said nothing; he didn't need to. Jim seemed to know exactly what he was doing, exactly how to play Blair's body and Blair had no desire to stop him. Even as he played with the ring again, Jim's right hand slid down Blair's belly, slipped past the desperate cock to cup and roll Blair's balls, all without interrupting the slow fucking he was giving Blair. He felt like Jim was all over him, outside and inside and the sensation was incredible. 

'Oh, Jesus,' Blair gasped as Jim's fingers finally caressed his cock, gently raking the length until rubbing a thumb over the head. The sweet, glorious pressure in his ass increased as Jim's thrusts grew faster and faster. Jim's hand carefully wrapped around his shaft and stroked once, softly, deliberately tantalizing Blair, deliberately torturing him in the front now as well as in the back. 'Jim...' 

'Yes, baby, it's me. I'm right here. Come for me.' 

'Ohmygod...' Blair shoved back hard and Jim's cock thrust into him to the hilt. Gasping, Jim pulled out and shoved back in again hard this time, pounding against his sweet spot, and finally, the hand began to stroke the same way, hard, deliberately, pushing and forcing Blair to let go, to come in his hand and Blair had no choice at all, no choice but to ... 'Oh, Jim!' 

Pleasure exploded within him, spiraling out from the center of his being, flooding through him until it reached even his fingertips still pressed up against the cold tiles. His semen splattered all over the wall, soaking Jim's hand, but after the second shot, Jim suddenly grabbed him harder, thrust once more, then froze inside him and he could feel Jim coming, feel his cock throb deep inside him, feel Jim twitch and gasp, then finally, finally after so long, finally relax against him. 

For long, desperate seconds, they didn't move, Jim leaning on Blair, Blair leaning on the wall for support. Then carefully, Jim withdrew, removed the condom, tossed it in the trash then turned Blair around so they could kiss and let the water pound down on them. 

Jim held him close, kissing him lightly, playing with his mouth, sucking in his bottom lip before nipping it so gently between his teeth. 'So tell me,' he murmured, a smile in his voice, 'are you still planning on us doing this all night?' 

'Oh, god, yes,' Blair replied with a choked laugh. 'Who knows when you'll be able to come visit again. You have no idea how many fantasies I have about you.' 

'Fantasies?' Blair opened his eyes and smiled at Jim's raised eyebrows. 'You have fantasies about me?' 

'Jim, I've been in love with you for years. You don't think I never laid in bed at night and jerked off thinking about you?' 

Jim frowned, his gaze going inward a moment. 

'What?' 

Those grey-blue eyes refocused. 'Oh, nothing. I just got caught up for a moment with the picture of you lying in bed jerking off.' 

Blair laughed, went up on his toes to kiss Jim before saying, 'Come on, let's get out before we turn into prunes.' 

They washed each other, gently but quickly, not wanting to run out of hot water before they were done. Then they turned it off, dried each other, taking a little more time over it as kisses and caresses were exchanged. Blair was about ready to blow out the candles in the bathroom and get into bed, when Jim stopped him. 

'Turn around.' 

'Why?' Blair frowned, wondering if there was something on his shoulder and twisting to try to see. 

'Just turn around. I need to ... check you.' 

Blair's eyebrows shot up. 'What?' 

Jim looked faintly embarrassed and wouldn't meet Blair's gaze, 'Please.' 

It was obvious Jim didn't want to make a fuss about it, so Blair turned without a word. For a minute, nothing happened, then he felt Jim's hands on his ass, his cheeks being spread apart gently and a fingertip pressing lightly at his entrance. Despite the fact that he'd just come, Blair couldn't ignore the faint thrill that ran through him at being so closely examined like that, at having his center touched by Jim - even if a little clinically. 

Jim released him and Blair turned around to face him. 'Well?' 

His embarrassment deepening, Jim shrugged. 'It's ... you're fine.' 

'You think maybe if I'd been in pain I might have said something?' 

Jim's gaze rose then, piercing in its sudden intensity. 'I don't know, would you?' 

Blair's eyes widened in surprise first, then shock. He realized his mouth was open, but for a moment, he couldn't find words to say. Then he just turned and headed into the bedroom, mostly because he didn't want to be standing in the bathroom while they had this conversation - and because he needed time. Time to think, to stop himself from jumping to conclusions, to give Jim a moment to think as well. 

He stopped by the walk-in closet and pulled out an old stretched t-shirt and tugged it on over his head. It neatly covered his arms past his elbows and hung down to the top of his thighs. The night was a little cool and he didn't want to be shivering. By the time he reached the bed, he found Jim sitting with the sheet up around his hips and two glasses of red wine poured from the bottle they'd brought up with them from the bar. With the array of candles around the room, Jim looked like a warm golden god, eyes filled with trepidation, body doing its best to appear relaxed. 

'I'm not angry.' The words were out before Blair could stop them, but he wasn't sorry he'd said them when he saw the relief in Jim's eyes. He climbed onto the bed, settled himself with pillows and pulled his legs up underneath him. He almost smiled when he caught Jim's gaze unconsciously dipping down to look at his cock peeking out from under the tee. 

This from the man who hadn't been sure he could last all night. 

He took the glass Jim held out to him and swallowed the mellow red. 'I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised you said something like that.' 

'Look, Chief, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...' 

'It's okay, Jim, really. Let's face it - the last time you saw me before you came down here, I was pretty fucked up. You'd been dodging my bullets for months before I left - how can I blame you for being a little gun shy now?' 

Jim's gaze held his hard for a moment, then dropped to the glass he held between his fingers. 'You said ... well, I know I'm not small and ... you said you hadn't had that many partners recently. I just...' he frowned, as though this admission was more difficult than any he'd made before. 'I just can't cope with the thought that I might be hurting you, doing you physical damage - especially in the act of love. I know it's probably just my protective insti-' Jim stopped, pressing his lips together before taking a swift mouthful of wine. 

He didn't continue, but Blair didn't need him to. They both knew what he'd been about to say. 

A sentinel's protective instinct towards his guide. His own survival depended on the survival of the guide. That instinct was as strong as his own sense of self-preservation. 

No. He didn't need to say it, was right to avoid saying it - because it wasn't Jim's job to say that kind of thing - it was _Blair's_. 

Blair took a moment, then put his glass down on the bedside table and got up. He grabbed his jeans and pulled them on and barefoot, he walked to the balcony doors and slid them open, stepping out into the cool night. 

He could see lights in the far distance, ships traveling north or south, he couldn't tell. But he could hear the same noise he'd heard for the last nine months - the ever-present shush of waves crashing onto the beach below the cliff. In the distance, beyond the Bar, the background noise of traffic, the sky-glow of the city lights. But he could see none of it. Right here, on his own small cliff, all was silent and peaceful. 

All except the thoughts tumbling around inside him. 

It was one thing to reconcile the loss of a career and the need to find another. To leave one life and make a new one. To give up on a hopeless love and still hope that there might be somebody else out there. To ignore the one single thing that had dominated his life for the last fifteen years: his passion for sentinels, and pray that one day he would find something else that would mean as much to him. 

But it was another thing entirely to then have to turn all that around. To have the love he'd thought hopeless, but not have the old life. To have the sentinel as his friend, his lover, but never to work with him again as he'd loved to do, never feel able to talk to him about it as he used to - because to do so would be a constant reminder that he'd lost that right, that privilege when he'd left Jim's name in his thesis, when he'd sacrificed his career and stopped being an anthropologist. 

'It's going to take a little getting used to,' Jim's voice emerged softly behind him, almost ghost-like. 

'What?' Blair asked, not sure if he wanted to be alone right now or not. 

'Re-learning how to trust each other again. To really know each other again. To be ready to admit that I _am_ a sentinel, and you _are_ my guide, no matter what else has happened.' 

'I'm a guide who deserted you. I'm a guide who's done his best over the last year to forget all about you, and I mean _all_ about you. I'm not saying it worked - it didn't. It failed miserably, but that doesn't mean I didn't want it to work.' 

'But, Chief, it's different now. You agreed it was.' 

For a moment, Blair could only frown at the inky black ocean, but then, as though he hadn't seen it before, he noticed how the light from the candles inside had spilled over the balcony, and poured onto the grass below, leaving long faint shadows where he and Jim stood. 

And he saw a lot more than that. He smiled and it filled him inside. 'Yeah, it _is_ different now.' 

Jim came to stand beside him, placing an arm around his waist, but no more than that. 'We can't expect it to all work instantly, can we?' 

'No, Jim, we can't.' 

'And while you're still not comfortable talking about the sentinel/guide thing, that's only because you're out of practice. Eventually, you'll be able to without feeling that loss. It's just as much a part of who you are as it is for me.' 

'Yes, it is.' 

'So we shouldn't try to be too careful about what we say - and instead, just be careful of how we react, to just take it one step at a time, knowing that it's going to take time, but that eventually, we'll get there.' 

'We sure will, Jim.' Blair turned then and slipped his arms up around Jim's neck, pressing his body up against Jim's - and in the process, realized Jim was still naked. The discovery sent a thrill of excitement through him and his cock responded in a valiant effort to encourage the night's activities. 'I love you,' he said firmly. 

'I love you, too,' Jim smiled his special 100 megawatt, Mr. Sexy smile that under normal circumstances, melted ice at four hundred yards. 

'Yeah, I know,' Blair matched the smile, being a lot closer than four hundred yards. 'I think maybe you've loved me a lot longer than I thought.' 

'You think so, huh?' Jim's eyebrows rose teasingly. 'What makes you say that?' 

'You mean, apart from the fact that you're standing out here, in full light of the candles, completely naked?' 

Jim's grin only widened, and got more sexy - if that was at all possible. 'And your problem with this is ...' 

'That I'm fully dressed.' 

'We can fix that.' Without asking, Jim simply pulled the t-shirt off over Blair's head and tossed it back into the bedroom. Blair just held on as Jim then stripped him of his jeans and then tugged him close once more, allowing their bodies to meld together, his hands sliding down to rest on Blair's ass. 'That better?' 

'Much - or at least, until we get arrested for indecent exposure - or are you planning on a display of public indecency?' 

'You mean, am I going to fuck you out here on the balcony?' 

'Um, yeah.' 

'Well, I was thinking about it.' 

Blair's eyes widened in genuine surprise. He'd never have thought Jim was that ... well, adventurous - at least, sexually. 'But?' He winced at his poor choice of words, but Jim simply squeezed his ass and laughed. 

'But we'll have to blow out all the candles first. And I wouldn't worry about getting arrested - this bluff sits well out on it's own, half a mile from the nearest house - and we're completely sheltered from anybody seeing us by virtue of the shape of this building. Only somebody with a really good telescope could see us - and even then, they'd have to be at sea.' 

'And if they can, good luck to them?' 

Jim threw back his head and laughed, and Blair couldn't help but laugh with him. When they sobered, Blair took Jim's hand and led him back inside, sliding the doors shut after them. He pushed Jim down onto the bed, straddled his hips and ran his hands over the hard muscled chest. His fingers almost tingled with the still-new thrill of being able to do this. 

'Can I ask you a question? A personal question?' Jim ventured, his hands resting lightly on Blair's thighs, his gaze momentarily captured again by the sight of Blair's half-hard cock presented before him. 

This time Blair let himself smile. 'Sure.' 

'Do you ... I mean ...' Jim's face screwed up as he tried to find the right words - and in the process, his cheeks turned a little pink, so Blair was forced to assume the question had something to do with sex. Jim's enthusiasm belied his status as a beginner; his natural talent taking him places usually only seen with experience. Blair had absolutely no complaints at all - especially since he really was something of a size queen, and secretly got off on knowing Jim's was easily the biggest he'd ever had inside him. 

'Come on, Jim, out with it. I think it's a little late us being embarrassed by the subject of fucking.' 

'Well, not when you put it like that,' Jim replied dryly. 'Look, what I wanted to ask was this. What I ... just did to you... in the bathroom-' 

'When you fucked me?' 

Jim returned a flat gaze. 'Yeah, _baby_ , when I fucked you - I ... I was just wondering if you've always ... you know, been fucked by your male partners or whether you also do the uh, fucking. And um, whether you'll want to fuck me.' 

Jim's face was such a picture of determination and embarrassment, shyness and shamelessness, that Blair had to stifle laughter. Right now, Jim was almost unbearably cute. 'Well, for a start,' Blair began business-like, 'the first time I had sex with a guy, I topped. I was an exclusive top for about six months before I met a guy who talked me into catching for him - so I let him, thinking I had to try it at least once, even if I ended up hating it. Only I didn't - I loved it. So, mostly I bottom, 'cause I don't think there's anything better than,' Blair paused here, not sure Jim was ready for this kind of openness, but remembering those wise words out on the balcony, he figured he wouldn't know without trying. 'I don't think there's anything better than lying with my legs open wide with a hot guy thrusting into my ass. Especially when that hot guy is you. _Very_ especially.' 

Jim's cheeks turned pink all over again, but Blair was pretty sure this had nothing to do with embarrassment - especially when a certain other piece of Jim's anatomy was ... rising to take part in the discussion. Blair could feel it poking at his cleft. 

Gauging his audience, he continued in the same tone. 'That's not to say that I don't love to top as well - 'cause I do. Now and then I can't get enough of it and I've gone months without catching. Now, as regards _our_ sex life - well, what happens between us is entirely up to what we want, together and individually. I love getting fucked by you. Man, you have _no idea_ how much I love it - especially when I can see you doing me.' 

Blair had to pause again as his own cock was showing more than a passing interest in the subject. 'Um, so... If it turns out you never want to bottom, that's really no problem. However, I'd also love to ...' this time he did choose his words carefully, 'show you how good it can be on the bottom. I know you'd love it, and yeah, the thought of it has given me a number of very...' he laughed a little, 'fruitful fantasies over the years. But basically, the deal is this - yeah, I really want to fuck you, but I'm not going to until you're ready, until you can tell me three different fantasies you've had where I'm doing it to you, okay? And don't go just lifting scenarios from porn movies you've been watching - 'cause I'll know. I want fantasies you use when you're back home on your own and missing me so bad you're on the point of having wet dreams and decide you don't want to waste them. Comprende?' 

Jim's expression was a classic "deer in the headlights". It was almost painful to watch, so Blair decided to let him off the hook and slid down the side of his body to lick carefully along the delicious bottom lip before nibbling on it gently. Reflexively, Jim's arm came around him as their bodies molded together. 

'So, um,' Blair went on, giving Jim no time to worry about what he'd just said. 'You wanna go to sleep after all - or should I blow out the candles, suck you until you're really hard, roll a condom on you and go bend over the balcony railing?' 

Jim's eyes closed, his lips pressed together. His whisper came out hard and tight. 'Sandburg, I now know how they got those results in that study about older men and younger partners.' 

Blair began to smile - and stopped when Jim opened his eyes to reveal a smoldering gaze hot enough to sear a twenty ounce steak. A movement in the corner of his eye made him look down - to discover Jim's hand slowly stroking his own diamond-hard cock, thumb brushing over the head, smearing the clear fluid all over it, making it shiny. The sight was so spectacular, Blair simply watched for a moment, unable to help wondering how Jim would feel masturbating in front of Blair. By the look of this little display, Jim would probably do so very willingly. 

Blair's mouth watered and it was a struggle getting his eyes back up to meet Jim's. When they did, Jim finally added, 'I can't believe I'm going to say this - but I'd better put the condom on myself. Start blowing out those candles. I'll meet you out there.' 

* * *

Jim was forty years old, and he'd come less than an hour ago - which really didn't explain why he was doing this, why his cock was so hard it was painful, why he was outside in the middle of the night, completely naked, about to fuck his lover over the balcony railing in almost complete darkness. Well, darkness for anybody who wasn't a sentinel. 

Blair was ready for him, hands braced chest high on the top railing, legs parted, one foot on the lowest rail, revealing himself, offering himself. Telling Jim he wanted it just as hard and Jim wanted to give it. 

And he would just have to trust Blair to tell him if he was doing any damage, if there was pain, if it wasn't good for him. 

His whole body trembled with the excitement of actually doing this, doing it naked, outdoors, actually fucking Blair again. He pressed the head of his cock against the anus, pushing firmly, watching his cock slide in further and further, listening to the slick sounds of moist flesh and lube making way for him, of Blair's short pants, the sight of his knuckles gripping the railing until they were white, the curve of his back as he arched further towards Jim, giving him an ever better angle for the fuck. 

He kept pushing, pulling out only a little before pushing in again. Holding back was almost impossible, but he slid in without resistance. His blood pounded so hard he could hear it in his ears, while Blair's hands clenched and unclenched restlessly. 

'Oh, yes, Jim!' Blair gasped, 'Just do it, okay?' 

The words were all it took for him to pull out once and slam back in, drawing a hard groan from Blair. He did it again and again, setting an almost brutal pace. He held Blair's hips steady, pushing and shoving his way into the man's body, looking down, watching it, entranced by the sight, of Blair's tight little hole stretched so wide to accommodate him, wanting him there, getting off on it. 

'You love this, don't you,' he hissed, desire choosing his words, 'love having cock up your ass.' 

'Uh ...yeah.' 

'Say it.' 

'I love having your cock up my ass... oh, yeah, Jim, there, right there... oh, god!' 

Blair hung his head down then, and Jim couldn't help but open his senses to it, deliberately allowing them free reign over the entire fuck. Each one flared in turn, sending him powerful signals too intense to identify immediately - there would be time for that later. Right now, his focus was entirely on Blair, on the hair hanging loose, the naked neck, the strong back, the muscled arms, and the perfect, tight ass. 

'Oh, god, I'm gonna come, Jim,' Blair gasped, 'can't wait any longer.' 

'Touch yourself.' 

'Wanna come on your cock. Just keep... oh, like that, yes... unh.' 

Jim began fucking him faster then, battering against Blair's prostate, driving his cock into that ass like a freight train until suddenly, with an unbearably loud groan, Blair threw his head back and began coming, his cock spurting against the railing and all over the balcony floor - without either of them touching it. Jim held still, wanting to watch, seeing most of it, but between that incredible sight and the intense spasms of Blair's ass as he climaxed, Jim's control slipped. He slammed into Blair three more times and his own orgasm overtook him, shattering every part of him as he pumped cream into Blair's rectum. It seemed to go on forever, his whole body tingling and shuddering, his heart thudding, ecstasy flowing from his cock to his balls and through his entire being. 

And then it was over. 

He was suddenly deaf to everything except Blair's gasps for air and his own tortured lungs trying to breathe. 

'Jesus Christ,' Blair grunted, trying to straighten up a little. 'I ... can't believe ... you fucked me over the railing... Can't believe... it was so fucking good!' 

Jim's only reaction was a slightly giddy laugh. 

'Tomorrow night ...' Blair gasped as Jim leaned forward to kiss the side of his neck, 'we do it on the beach.' 

'Oh god,' Jim murmured, giving that neck another kiss. ' _More_ research!' 

Blair's laugh was just as giddy. 'Is it me, or are we behaving like a pair of teenagers?' 

'Dunno, Chief. I never behaved like this when I was a teenager.' Jim held Blair still as he carefully withdrew, holding onto the condom. He removed it, and glanced up to find Blair looking at him, watching what he was doing. 'What?' 

'Nothing.' As Jim tossed the tied condom into a corner of the balcony, Blair slipped into his arms. 'Just that, well, one day I'd like us to go bareback.' 

Jim held him close, but looked down into those beautiful blue eyes. 'You ever done that before?' 

Blair shook his head, 'Never had unprotected sex in my life. I test every six months and I'm clean. I just ... well, I've promised myself I'd go bare once in my life, but obviously, I want it to be with a guy I can trust completely.' 

'I should hope so.' 

'So I'm thinking you're gonna be that guy - if you want, that is. I don't know how you feel about it. Being a ... well, sentinel, it's probably something you want to think about.' 

Jim kissed him, feeling a wave of exhaustion sweep over him. There was definitely going to have to be some sleep before they even considered carrying on with the all-night love-making binge. 'Not that I have any objections to it - but why do you want to go bareback with a guy? Why not with a woman?' 

Blair smiled and rested his forehead against Jim's cheek. ''Cause I've always wanted to feel a guy really coming in my ass, of course. I might not even like it, but I still want to do it. So, will you think about it?' 

'Sure,' Jim nodded, kissing Blair's temple. He didn't really need to think about it at all. The very idea would have been enough to get him hard - if he hadn't just emptied himself into Blair. 'Let's get some sleep, okay?' 

'Great idea. Hey, you're not going to check my ass again, are you?' 

Jim could only shake his head. This man had just admitted that he trusted Jim enough to fuck him without protection. How much more proof did he need that he could trust Blair in return? 'No, Chief, I'm not going to check you. Come on, babe, let's go.' 

Jim collected the condom on the way inside, tossing it in the waste basket in the bathroom. They closed the doors, climbed into bed and snuggled close. Seconds later, they were asleep. 

* * *

'Hey, Jim, wake up.' Blair squatted by the bed and gently shook Jim's shoulder. 'Come on, babe, please?' 

'Why, what's wrong? You okay?' Jim rolled from his stomach to his back, his face frowning. He kept his eyes closed. 

'I'm fine, Jim,' Blair climbed onto the bed and snuggled close. 'But it's morning and I wanna go surfing. Please wake up, Jim.' 

That got him the opening of a single, bleary eye. 'You _want_ to go surfing?' 

Blair smiled, an indescribable joy filling him as he gazed down at that handsome face, creased with sleep. 'Yeah. It's our last morning together. Let's go surfing.' 

The eye closed again, but the frown vanished, replaced by a dreamy smile. 'Did we do it? Did we last all night?' 

'Yep,' Blair placed one small kiss on the corner of Jim's jaw. 'And for the record, my ass is definitely sore, in case you were wondering. However,' he added before Jim could say anything, 'it's not hurt, just tender. I'll be fine by tonight.' 

Jim snorted laughter and finally opened his eyes to gaze fondly at Blair. 'You're assuming _I_ will be.' 

'Oh, Jim, you're not old. Not at all. Besides, didn't Mae West say you're only as old as the man that you feel?' 

'You know I think I liked you better when you were grumpy and pissy first thing in the morning.' Jim sat up a little. 'What time is it anyway?' 

'Six am.' 

Jim turned a flat gaze on him. 'We've been asleep for fifty-five minutes, Chief.' 

Blair got up, threw a leg over Jim's waist and rested his weight with a hand on either side of Jim's head. He leaned down then to kiss the man, luxuriating in the strong arms which wound around him. 'Please, Jim. We can sleep later. I have ear plugs if you need them.' 

'Okay, okay.' Jim laughed a little. 'Nah, I think I like you better like this. Come on, get off so I can get up.' 

Blair almost moved - then Jim's bad choice of words sunk in and he started laughing. It took Jim another few seconds to realize what he'd just said and then they both lost it. They ended up tangled, out of breath and kissing, making out like teenagers before Blair finally pulled away. 

Jim was gazing at him, his eyes full of warmth. 'I love you.' 

Blair smiled - he'd never tire of hearing those words. 

Jim's hands slid down to his hips. 'You sure you want to go surfing?' 

Blair's eyes widened. 'Man, you are _not_ telling me you can get it up _again_ are you?' 

Pretending to consider, Jim replied, 'Well, I think I might, with a little encouragement from my lover.' 

'I think we're talking a _lot_ of encouragement here, aren't we, Jim?' 

Jim chuckled. 'What can I say? Didn't we prove the survey was right?' 

Blair grinned, 'Yeah, we did. But if we stay here and fuck again, we'll still be at it when Daisy arrives and the last thing I think either of us wants is for her to hear us in the middle of it.' 

'You said this apartment is soundproofed.' 

'From the bar, yes - but you're forgetting the balcony windows and the fact that Daisy will spend at least half her time outside, right below us.' Blair paused for effect. 'Along with the day's collection of surfers.' 

Jim's eyes took on a mischievous twinkle, 'I could always put a gag on you.' 

Blair burst out laughing, loving the idea, and loving Jim even more for suggesting it. 'Man, you've wanted to do _that_ to me for four years, haven't you?' 

Jim struggled, but in the end, couldn't stop himself laughing in response. 'Oh, baby, I do love you.' 

Blair gave him a soft, quick kiss. 'I love you, too, Jim. So very much.' Grinning again, Blair climbed off the bed. He'd already dressed and gone down to put coffee on. He headed for the door. 'Five minutes, Mister. Coffee, juice and a slice of toast will be waiting.' 

'Sir, yes Sir.' 

* * *

The gentle breeze drifted across Jim's skin like the softest caress of Blair's fingers. He lay on his back, legs stretched out in front of him, hands lightly clasped on his stomach, his head resting on one of Blair's thighs. Blair sat behind him, back cushioned against a sandstone rock. The sun stretched out the last of its luminous fingers towards them, radiating out across a Pacific Ocean that dominated everything that Jim could see from his position. 

He was never going to be able to look at it now without remembering these few precious days with Blair. Every time he stood on his balcony at home, it would be comforting to know Blair was looking out at the same ocean. 

Blair was reading. They were both tired. They'd surfed until mid-morning, when hunger and exhaustion had finally caught up with them. Blair had dodged around Daisy to cook breakfast for them, before they headed upstairs to have a nap. They'd got up late, grabbed a snack then made up another picnic basket before taking the cliff path south, away from town. They hadn't gone far, just to a small outcrop where grass and a few rocks were shadowed by some trees. Behind them stood the Ashram that had inadvertently named Swami's Beach. 

'Do you want some more wine?' Blair asked softly. 

'I'm fine.' Jim murmured, his gaze on the slowly developing sunset. Soon Blair wouldn't have enough light to read by, and he'd have to put down his book and then, Jim knew, they'd have to talk again. 

And even if Blair didn't, this time Jim had to. There were things he had to say, things he was never going to get the chance to say if he didn't tonight. How would he ever be able to say over the phone or in an email, that simply lying here like this was what Jim had always thought was the definition of bliss? That waking up in the morning - god, _yes_ , waking up in the morning - to find Blair lying there next to him, naked, warm, their mixed scents heavy in the air, the silky feel of his skin, the husky tone of his voice, was to Jim, the same thing as having died and gone to heaven. 

Blair had asked him - actually come right out and asked - if the guy/guy sex was what Jim had imagined. He'd given a very honest and real answer - that pretty much missed the whole universe of what Jim had been feeling that first night they'd made love, and all the subsequent times as well. 

How could he explain it? Would listing each of the separate, mind-blowing sensations do the job? Would admitting that the entire world could have fallen down around them last night and Jim wouldn't have noticed? That no matter how much he liked Julian, how much he'd thought he'd been attracted to the man, or turned on the night they'd had sex on the couch - it hadn't even been in the same ballpark as making love to Blair had been. 

The mere touch of his hand, the taste of his lips, god, the moist heat of his ass, had turned out literally to be the perfect feast for his senses. Every single part of him had been tuned into Blair, and though that had to be a little scary in the cold light of day, it didn't seem to matter one bit. 

Which made him question whether it was just them, or whether every couple in love felt as utterly shattered by the reality of it as he did. If this was what love was supposed to be, then he had to admit that he'd never been in love before now. 

Which in turn, made it all the more important that he say these things tonight, no matter what. 

He heard Blair put down his book and put his glasses away. 

'Too dark to read?' 

'Pretty much. It's a great story though. Dian Fossey was an amazing woman.' 

'Yeah, she was. You know they never caught the guys who murdered her.' 

'I know,' Blair reached out and carded his fingers through Jim's hair. 'But her legacy lives on. If it hadn't been for her work, the rest of the world would never have known about the plight of the mountain gorillas. She left something behind, made her mark, devoted her life to something so worthwhile, the work still continues almost twenty years after she was killed. That, my friend, is the definition of a good and worthy life.' 

Jim said nothing. Blair had been talking about Dian Fossey - but he might have been talking about himself. Might have been referring to a life that had once had impact and meaning, importance and immortality, but which too had been cut short - albeit not so tragically. 

'Tell me something,' Blair asked, his mind obviously nowhere near Jim's. 'You said you came out to your Dad.' 

'Yeah.' 

'How'd he take it?' 

'Oh, well, you know Dad. He wasn't happy. Wouldn't even look at me at first. I had to swear I hadn't actually touched a man by that point, and I think that made a difference a little. Steven took it better - I got the impression that he wasn't as surprised as Dad.' 

'You think he suspected?' 

'Nah.' 

'And how's your Dad now?' 

'Better. It took him three weeks to call me. Steven'd been talking to him, told him about some books he could read to help him understand it all a bit better. When Dad did call, he just talked about the books a little, then we organized to have dinner the following week. After that, things eased up. He's getting used to it. He's changed a lot.' 

'For the better by the sound of it.' Blair paused and Jim heard him rummaging in the cool box for the wine and corkscrew. 'Did you tell anyone else?' 

'Well, Megan - but only because she's part of the family now. She laughed - and then apologized.' 

'Why did she laugh?' 

'Because she'd once suggested to H and Rafe that you and I were a couple - and they'd told her she didn't know what she was talking about, that you'd had more girlfriends than she'd had hot dinners, and that every babe that walked into the bullpen found an excuse to walk by my desk.' 

'Well, that's all pretty much true, man,' Blair admitted with a chuckle. 

'Yeah, that's why she laughed.' 

'You didn't tell Simon?' 

Jim fell silent, only moving when Blair handed him the promised glass of chilled white wine. Jim sat up then, shifting until he could rest his back against the same slab of sandstone Blair was using. 

Well aware that he hadn't answered the question, and even more aware that Blair wasn't pushing him for once, Jim changed the subject. 'Can I ask you a question?' 

'Sure.' 

'Why didn't you ever tell me you were bi?' 

'Oh, come on, man. Isn't it obvious?' 

'Only if you thought I'd react badly to it - and I hope you wouldn't think that.' 

'Look... I didn't think you'd react badly, exactly. I mean, not in a homophobic way, no.' Blair took in a breath then continued, 'But Jim, we were working together, living together, and for a long time, you really needed me with the senses. I figured, why add something else into the mix when a lot of the time, we're struggling to keep it all together anyway. I also had to consider the fact that you'd probably ask me if I was attracted to you - and if I'd lied and said no, you would have known. Then of course, when I realized I'd fallen in love with you, I knew I couldn't ever tell you.' 

Jim glanced at him once, to find those intense blue eyes on him once more. The sun was half sunk into the sea now, leaving a flowing light pouring across the water, bathing Blair in gold. He looked utterly beautiful. On impulse, Jim leaned across and kissed him lightly. At least, he meant it to be light, but there was something about the moment, or about the sunset, or the wine on Blair's lips that made Jim move in for more, and then they were blended together, tongues teasing and tasting, lips sucking and nibbling and before he could really stop himself, he'd drawn Blair down to lie beside him on the blanket, arms wrapped around each other as they dived into one soul-destroying kiss after another. 

By the time they surfaced, it was almost completely dark, Jim had one thigh pushed in between Blair's legs and they were humping each other, cocks hard and very enthusiastic about going a lot further than a little petting. 

'Jim,' Blair caught his breath, his lips a little swollen and red, 'I was only joking about us doing it on the beach tonight.' 

'But we're not on the beach.' 

'Oh, my god,' Blair groaned, half-laughing. 'I've created a monster.' 

At that, Jim growled against Blair's throat and play-nipped at the tasty flesh there. Then he lifted his head, gave Blair another kiss and replied, 'I want to do it in bed tonight. In comfort, lying down, with the lights on, so we can see each other.' 

Blair looked up at him, a little breathless, a little somber. 'Yeah, me too.' 

There were more kisses then, but less feverish, more gentle and loving. Then they sat up again, resting against the rock, quietly sipping their wine, holding hands, watching the very last of the sunset as it marked the end of their very last day. 

'I wanted to ask you,' Blair began softly, 'but with everything else that's happened, it's been hard to find the words, or the right time. But I guess, if I don't ask now, it'll be too late.' 

'Ask what?' 

'The whole ... well, re-discovery of your sexuality...' 

'What about it?' 

'Was it ... was it difficult for you?' 

Jim blinked. Oh yes, he could see why Blair had hesitated to ask this question. And answering wasn't going to be easy either - but last night he'd said they couldn't afford to be coy about what they said to each other, so he told the truth. 'Yeah. Yes it was.' 

When Blair didn't say anything else, Jim offered up a little more. 'I didn't want to think about it at first, after you left. There didn't seem to be much point. And well, I was angry at lot, too, which didn't help. I wasn't exactly, you know... happy you'd gone.' 

Blair simply nodded. 'I'm sorry that, well, that you got caught up in what was happening to me. Sorry that my leaving hurt you.' 

Jim squeezed his hand. 'I know, Chief. But when I realized how I felt about you, that I was actually in love with you, I did have to face it and well, even now, sitting here, there's still a part of me that's thinking I'm crazy, I shouldn't be doing this, I'm straight. But it's a very small part. I wouldn't swap what we have for anything.' 

'Me either.' Blair was silent for so long, Jim thought he'd drifted off to sleep. But he turned his head to find Blair gazing down into his glass, even though he probably couldn't see it very well in the darkness. 

'What is it?' 

'Oh, nothing really.' Blair sighed and looked up, giving him a wan smile. 'Just, you know, remembering that date we had, how I was so crazy, and you were so patient. I think, deep down, the whole time I was convinced that you couldn't possibly be feeling anything for me, and that I was just backing you into a corner. I hated that idea so much I ... I left.' 

'Chief, I...' 

'It's okay, Jim, I'm not trying to resurrect the past and everything. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that, I wish I'd been there for you, you know? As a friend. I mean, if the timing had been a little better, I could have helped you, given you somebody to talk to about it, made it a little easier. Trust me, I know all about redefining how you see yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help.' 

'Me too,' Jim replied, in that same spirit of honesty. 'But in a way, you did help. If it hadn't been for you, I would never have been forced to really look at myself, never have discovered I'd been hiding most of my life. It wasn't exactly the first time you'd done that. I guess I ...' the words sounded trite in his head and voicing them almost made him cringe - but there was so much truth in them, he couldn't stay silent. 'I'm better off knowing, Blair. Really. Even if nothing had happened with us, I was always better off knowing that part of myself. I would never have done that without you.' 

Blair met his gaze evenly, 'Without me leaving?' 

Jim had to swallow then. 'Yeah, without you leaving.' 

Blair smiled then, as though Jim had just forgiven him something. And perhaps he had. Matching that smile, Jim put his arm around Blair's shoulder and pulled him close. Into the silence, he murmured, 'I'm going to miss you.' 

His voice husky, Blair nodded against his shoulder, 'I'm going to miss you, too.' 

* * *

There were no words in the pale candlelight, only soft sounds. Blair laced his fingers through Jim's and held on, using his thighs to lift up and slide himself down onto Jim's cock. Jim lay propped up on cushions, his back against the wall, his knees bent to support Blair's back, his gaze dark and velvety, and so very, very hot. 

Blair held onto that gaze as he held onto Jim's hands, knowing his face was showing Jim all he felt, every nuance of feeling as he lifted up and slid back down, as his body happily accommodated the thick cock, as he ground his hips against Jim, as he twisted and turned, rocking back and forth before lifting again. Jim's palms were moist, his beautiful face glistening with stress and sweat, his mouth open a little, the smile he'd worn only moments before gone now as he looked deep into Blair's eyes, his emotions open and displayed for Blair to see too. 

Already breathing hard, Blair ran his tongue over his lips, watching Jim's eyes follow the movement. Then Jim let go his hand and pressed a thumb to Blair's mouth, watching again as Blair sucked on it, using his tongue as he'd used it on Jim's cock an hour ago. Jim had watched Blair sucking him then, too, his eyes wide open as he'd groaned and come down Blair's throat. And he'd watched again, shortly after as Blair had come down his own. 

Jim's eyes were open. To this, to Blair, naked before him, riding his cock, to the sensations and emotions Blair knew he was showing Jim. There were no illusions here. This was truth. Nothing more and nothing less. The truth of them. Their own truth, independent and untouched by anything else the world could throw at them. 

As though he could read those very thoughts in Blair's mind, Jim nodded, his expression grave. His hand left Blair's face and curled around his neck to draw Blair close. He sat forward and kissed Blair then, and Blair, helplessly in love, opened to him, tasting the heat and the love, the desire and the need until only the desperation for air drove them apart. Blair set his gaze back on Jim's again, only to find Jim watching him steadily as he took hold of Blair's hips and began thrusting up into him, his stomach muscles providing the power to fuck Blair now. 

The sudden change of pace almost threw Blair over the edge. His legs were getting tired and he knew Jim could sense it. But still neither of them said a word. Here, words were unnecessary. Here, they only needed each other. 

Jim leaned forward again, kissed him hard and deep, then, without warning, held Blair close as he performed a roll and a turn so perfectly that Blair knew he'd been planning it from the moment Blair had straddled him and sank onto his cock. 

Blair let out a groan, husky and wanting into the silent bedroom. He lay on his back, his legs spread wide, ankles wrapped around Jim's back. His neck and shoulders rested against the edge of the bed, but his head hung back over it and judging by the way Jim suddenly began pounding into him, he could tell this was exactly what Jim had planned. 

Jim growled then, as he leaned down and attached his mouth to the side of Blair's throat, sucking hard until Blair could feel it start to sting. Then Jim moved onto to another spot, sucking until he left another mark. Blair had no choice. He was going to die here, from pure pleasure. His body arched up into every powerful thrust Jim made into his ass, every fiber, every sinew in his body gave itself over to Jim's possession of him and it was as though this was his dream come true, this was how he'd always wanted it to be. The two of them together, knowing each other, wanting each other, wanting it full of passion and desire and yes, so much love. He would have cried if he could, but the constant rocking of Jim's body into his drove everything else from him. 

Then Jim finally ended the silence. He leaned down, his thrusts short and hard now, and whispered into the hot air, 'I'm gonna come inside you now. Come with me.' 

'Yes, Jim, always,' Blair whispered back. Without pausing he brought both his hands down to touch himself, one caressing his balls, the other stroking his cock strong and hard, masturbating to bring himself off in time with Jim's orgasm. 

Jim's next hard whisper rocked him as surely as his body, 'Yeah, babe, like that. Do it like that.' 

And that was all it took. Blair lifted his head in time to see Jim's gaze rise from watching him stroke his cock. Their eyes met and suddenly they were both coming, in the same heartbeat, in the same breath, in the same split second, they were one, joined together and utterly inseparable as their bodies climaxed, pumping seed for each other, undulating and rocking, breathing and watching until at last, they were both done, empty, and yet more full than ever before. Dizzy and intoxicated, Blair's whole body shook with the simple effort of breathing, every muscle still tingling with the power of his climax and he dropped his head back, knowing full well that Jim was experiencing exactly the same things. 

But Jim didn't pull out of him straight away. Instead, he slid a strong, trembling arm under Blair's back, and drew him further onto the bed, so Blair could rest his head against the pillow Jim placed there. Then Jim carefully placed Blair's legs down on either side of his own, and settled in to get comfortable, his cock still buried inside Blair, his weight resting on his elbows and knees. 

'You okay?' Blair murmured, his arms coming up to cradle Jim's head as it rested against his shoulder. 

'I guess.' 

'What's wrong?' 

'Just wish we'd done it bare this time. Don't wanna pull out just yet and I'm going to have to in a minute.' 

Blair smiled and pressed a kiss to Jim's temple. 'Stay as long as you like. Keep fucking me like that and I may never let you bottom.' 

He felt Jim's smile against his skin and closed his eyes. There wasn't a single part of his body that wasn't exhausted. But there also wasn't a single part of his body that wasn't electrified with the simple joy of life. 

For years he'd been in love with Jim, had watched him from afar, fantasized about him in bed on his own - or indeed, when he went out to find a guy to fuck him. He'd held onto his love, carried his torch, with sometimes grim determination, knowing that it was a thing alive in itself, and without it, he would wither and die. 

But nothing in his experience had prepared him for this, for what love had done to him, to Jim. No way could he have guessed that he would end up feeling like this, that he would breathe only to go on feeling just like this. No partner he'd ever slept with had ever consumed him the way Jim did. Sex with Jim was in a whole different universe to any he'd had before. And truth was, if it was just the sex, he'd never find a reason to complain for the rest of his life. But it _wasn't_ just the sex - it was the love too, and the combination was a heady, terrifying, overwhelming and incredible mixture he'd quickly become addicted to. It seemed he finally understood what the term "drunk with love" actually meant. 

'Sorry, love,' Jim murmured, moving at last as he withdrew from Blair's body. The condom was discarded, recklessly scattered fluids were cleaned up and their bodies replaced back on the bed, in a relatively ordered fashion, with pillows under heads and arms and legs wound around each other. All of it done in silence. 

And in the silence of the night, Blair fell asleep, wrapped in Jim and a love that shocked him to the core. 

* * *

Blair stood at the kitchen window and gazed out at the vengeful black clouds collecting in the distance. He'd listened to the forecast and by all reports, any rain would only be out at sea, leaving Jim, hopefully, able to have a clear day for driving. 

'I mean it, Chief,' Jim came into the kitchen once more, stowing his bags by the door. He picked up the cup of coffee Blair had made him and took a mouthful. 'Email every day, phone calls at least twice a week. Expect me back in four weeks. I'll fly into San Diego, okay?' 

Blair only nodded, barely glancing at him. 

Jim came to a halt behind him, but didn't reach out. 'We're gonna be okay, Chief, I promise.' 

'You can't promise me that, Jim,' Blair began, working hard to keep any bitterness from his voice. The last thing he wanted was their parting to be filled with anger and sadness. But he just felt so fucking dead inside. He'd been okay without Jim in his life, and the last five days had only served to remind him of all the things he'd lost, all the things he'd missed - first among them being Jim, but also what they'd once had together, the sure and certain knowledge of what he was doing with his life. 

And in a few minutes, Jim would be gone, and he'd have to face all those things again, but this time there'd be no Jim to chase away the shadows of memory, to distract him from the pain. 

He wasn't falling apart - but he just didn't know what he was going to do once that distraction was gone. 

What he was going to do with the pain of not having Jim here. 

He pulled in a deep breath, then turned to face Jim, putting on a brave smile and meeting Jim's worried gaze. 'Hey, don't worry about it, please. I'm fine. Well, okay, not fine exactly, but I'll manage. I just ... don't want you to go, that's all.' 

'Yeah, well, I don't want to go either.' 

'Well, at least we can agree on that much, right?' 

'Yeah.' Jim finished his coffee and put the mug down. He went to the door and pulled it open. 'You coming out with me?' 

'Of course.' Blair picked up Jim's smaller bag and followed him out into the cool morning. Daisy would be turning up for work soon, along with the first few straggling customers - but for the moment, they were blissfully alone. 

Jim stowed his bags in the truck, then collected his surf board from the shed. 'Are you sure you don't want me to leave this here? You can use it to practice.' 

'I'd hate it if anything happened to it,' Blair shook his head. 'Besides, it's too big for me, remember? I'll get one of my own from in town.' 

Jim just nodded as he tied the board down safely in the back of the truck, pulling the canvas cover over to protect his gear. Blair helped, fingers mechanically pulling each eyelet over the stud before moving onto the next. He let Jim finish it and stepped back, his heart pounding now as the moment approached. 

This was crazy. Why the hell wasn't he going with Jim? After all, considering how well Jim knew him, it was entirely probable that there was something in Jim's box file that he'd find interesting, maybe even fascinating. Wasn't it possible that if he just looked, he'd actually find what he was searching for? Was it really so necessary that he do all the leg-work himself, go through the whole discovery process on his own? Did he really have to put them through this, separate them so early in this new relationship? He was already making them both suffer - and for what? So that his pride could be served? So he could say he'd resurrected his own career all on his own? 

'Jim-' The older man turned to look at him - and in that moment, Blair knew he couldn't say it, couldn't do it. And it had nothing to do with pride, his lost career, the pain, or even with Jim. It had everything to do with being true to himself. 

If he went back to Cascade now, it would be because of Jim. Because he didn't want to lose Jim, not even for a few weeks, because ... well, because he was afraid of being on his own again. 

Because he was afraid of facing all those things that he'd lost, that he missed. He'd have to face them and finally come to terms with them instead of just ignoring them as he'd done over the last year. If he went with Jim now, he'd hold onto that distraction and he'd never - _never_ \- find a reason to look at himself closely enough to find the answers he needed. 

As closely as Blair's departure from Cascade had made Jim look into his own soul. 

And that revelation made him smile at the man he loved, though his eyes were already filling with tears he refused to acknowledge. Jim just swept him up in those huge strong arms and they held each other for a long, long time. 

Eventually, Blair released him and Jim stepped back. Blair reached up a hand and cupped the side of Jim's face. 'I love you, Jim. I love you so much. Please be careful.' 

Jim nodded and kissed him deeply, his hands holding Blair's face gently. Then he whispered, 'I love you, too. I need you, Chief. Please look after yourself.' 

Blair swallowed hard and then took a step back, catching Jim's hand in his own, until a final step back separated them completely. Jim simply gazed at him a moment, before turning and opening the door of the truck. He got in, started the motor - paused - then got back out again, striding around the truck until he stood before Blair once more. 

He captured Blair's hands in his own and stared down at them, obviously choosing his words with the utmost care. Then, his voice thick, his face determined, he began, 'There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time and I guess I've never really had the courage. If I don't say it now, I never will. Chief ... Blair ...' he swallowed, took a short breath, then went on, his gaze rising to meet Blair's. 'At the hospital, after the press conference... I... told you that you were the best cop I'd ever worked with, the best partner and... friend I could have hoped for. I was trying to say ... to give you something to make up for what you'd just lost. But I ...never said the one thing you really needed to hear.' 

Blair frowned, shaking his head. 'Jim, what you said was... was good. It was great. I never expected you to say that much.' 

'Of course you didn't. You never expected me to say anything - but I should have. My not saying though, never meant it wasn't true. And I want to say it now. I want you to know I meant to say it then because I meant it then.' 

'Say what?' 

'That besides being the best cop, best friend and partner I could have had, you were also ... the best anthropologist I could ever have hoped to meet.' 

Blair gasped, suddenly unable to breathe. But Jim wasn't finished. 

'And that I always counted myself so fucking lucky that you had all that determination, interest, sheer guts and yeah, passion because without it, I would've been dead long before now.' He squeezed Blair's hands, his eyes filled with genuine deep affection not so different to that day at the hospital. 'As an anthropologist, you did good, Chief.' 

Finally, Blair had to take a breath, and try to swallow over the large lump in his throat. But then he just pulled Jim to him, wrapping his arms around the man so he could hold on long enough to stop himself from crying. Jim simply held him in return, perhaps even wishing he'd been able to do it that day as well. 

'Thank you, Jim,' Blair murmured, his face pressed against Jim's soft jacket. But it wasn't gratitude so much he was feeling, but rather, appreciation. 

'No, Chief, thank _you_.' 

Another kiss followed then, short, but very, very sweet. Then Jim slowly pulled away and Blair offered up a smile, finally wiping his eyes a little so he could see Jim clearly. Jim kissed the palm of his hand and then let go, backing away towards the truck, his eyes smiling a little. Then he climbed in, shut the door and put the truck into gear. 

Blair stood clear as Jim turned the truck into the lane. Jim paused a moment longer, then raised a hand in farewell before driving off. Blair stood there and watched him go, sniffing a little, part of his heart so heavy he thought he might drown. 

But there was another part of him feeling so light, it was quite possible he might fly. 

Jim was long gone by the time he finally turned to go back inside. And for the first time in more than a year, he wasn't afraid to do so alone. 

End Part 7  
To be continued in Without Fear Part 8 

* * *

* * *

End Without Fear 7 by Scala: scala8925@yahoo.com

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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